


Sbargaining With Gods

by Flairina



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: ARG, AU, Alternate Reality Game, Alternate Universe, Hehehe..., Sbargrist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 12:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flairina/pseuds/Flairina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So yeah, you thought it was just an ARG, like everyone else, right? And then meteors the size of FUCKING PLANET JUPITER start coming your way, and 30,000 of you all end up in the Medium... good thing you at least sort of planned for this, right? It was all just roleplaying before, but surely it'll work out just fine now, right?</p><p>Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Initialization

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so there's this ARG called Sbarg that happened on Tumblr (http://sbarg.tumblr.com), and it's really awesome. I made a team, started writing about my land and prototypes, and it eventually spiraled into a sort-of fanfiction. That would be this. And even though Sbarg is over now, I'm still continuing this! 
> 
> Also, I'll be gradually adding commissioned pictures from other artists to this fic. Bear with me, I'll be adding them in as they come. Any art you could contribute is of course welcome. Chapters without pictures shall remain left aligned for convenience of reading, while chapters with them (even just a few) will be centered, as per Homestuck's style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order to understand what my sprite looks like, go here: http://flairina.deviantart.com/gallery/28273510. Imagine all of those mixed together with a 3DS and you've got my sprite.
> 
> The drawing of LOWAO belongs to http://ghostytherapist.tumblr.com/.  
> The drawing of 3DemonicSprite belongs to http://luckiesanity.tumblr.com/.  
> The drawing of Flair collecting grist belongs to http://vivid-anarchist.tumblr.com/.

 

http://sbarg.tumblr.com/h73LV

> Flair: Begin, but skip the boring stuff.

Caught flat footed by the 30 second time limit, you panic and prototype your kernelsprite with the closest object, which happens to be your 3DS. The kernelsprite proceeds to babble inanely at you.

> Flair: Enter.

Land of Wind and Oasis

You enter your land and are immediately hit in the face by a metric ton of wind-carried sand. You head back inside, choking all the way, wondering why the hell you thought standing outside to enter would be a good idea.

==>

Time to tier 2 prototype. You grab your drawings box. Going by what you know to be the nature of the game, so long as you don’t directly communicate with the Horrorterrors they can be pretty helpful. Besides, you want a pretty powerful ally…

==>

You gather up all the drawings you can find of the creepy, Lovecraft-inspired fake Pokemon you draw and toss them in the 3DS-prototyped sprite.

==>

3DEMONICSPRITE is born. His (Its?) form shifts constantly. New appendages pop up at random, while others are reabsorbed just as fast.

> Flair: Shower scene!

Yeahhhh… no. The shower sounds good though.

==>

After carefully taking a shower somewhere offscreen and finally getting the sand out of your… everywhere, you decide to do some alchemizing. Ever since you first saw this concept you’ve wanted to try this! Your client player said he'd pester you when he was ready, so you’ve got time.

> Flair: Alchemize.

…This is WAY more difficult than you thought it would be. You’d forgotten that the comic skipped over the kids running back and forth to retrieve items, dowels, and cards (which you can luckily buy from the phernalia registry).

On that note, captchaloguing stuff is weird. You’re still not quite sure how this works without a modus (how does it determine size limit?). But sitting the object on the card seems to put it in, so you’ll just go with that and carry the cards around with you for now. You’ve currently bought around 10.

After retrieving a cruxite dowel and captchaloguing some cool items, you set up to alchemize some sort of shielded clothing (perhaps something that emits a sort of “bubble”) to protect you from the sand. Here we go…

==>

NOPE

==>

You can’t alchemize anything because you have no grist left! You spent it all on cards!

You sure feel stupid right now!

> Flair: Go fight some imps.

Because your house has almost no viable weapons, you are utilizing a pair of very sharp scissors. Not too useful for now, but you have high hopes for future, upgraded versions!

There’s a couple of imps outside, but that sandstorm is still going. Do you dare brave going out there? Maybe you should have held off on that shower until after you alchemized a sand shield.

Hey, where’s your sprite?

==>

The imps are annihilated by a huge, writhing mass of glowing black tentacles.

Thanks 3DemonicSprite!

==>

You rush outside and collect the grist as quickly as possible. Despite your speedy retrieval, you’ve got sand everywhere again. You feel like Equius, constantly needing a shower.

You’re a Sagittarius too, come to think of it. You hope the resemblances will stop there.


	2. Alchemization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyperNexus and gallantGravitas are two of the actual teammates I had. They are real people, and as such do not belong to me. The name "Iron Bubbles" belongs to Stabbeh.
> 
> I need drawings of all the alchemized items, including the scissors, the SCARIEST SCISSORS EVER, the Plastastic Bubbleshield, the Pacplastic Bubbleshirt, and the Ultrasaber Lightshears. Anyone feel like drawing those? ^^; (For reference for that last one, go here: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbxwmnaX651qm4caro1_500.png.)
> 
> The drawings of the bubble soap, toy shield, and iron bubbles belong to http://stabbeh.tumblr.com/.  
> The drawing of the Flair's sprite dumping grist through the window belongs to http://wingedlizard.tumblr.com/.  
> The drawing of the Scissorsaurus Blades belongs to http://midnightparadox.tumblr.com/.

 

 

 

==>

You skip the shower for now, in case you need to go collect grist again.

3DemonicSprite seems to be completely slaughtering the enemies though, good thing it’s on your side.

==>

You head to your alchemiter, which was placed in your living room, thoughtfully right next to your computer.

Suddenly, your window is smashed in!

> [S] Strife!

You lunge forward with your scissors before realizing you may have jumped the gun a bit. Your sprite’s tentacles are what smashed through the window. Why’d it do that?

==>

Oh, now it’s dumping grist through the window. As much as you appreciate all the grist, you’re not gaining any experience from this. Assuming the echeladder even exists in this “real” Sburb, you need to start climbing it. Having your Lovecraftian sprite kill everything is only good for getting you grist, and wonderful as that is you need to fight your own battles. Or at least some of them. Therefore this action frustrates you.

Also because opening the window is blowing sand all over the interior of your living room. You hope none of that gets in your couch, but know that it probably already has.

You begin to reprimand your sprite, not that it can hear you over the raging sandstorm outside.

> Flair: Realize that the imps are numerous, not to mention ever spawning, and you should just thank your sprite for getting you extra grist.

You do so, though it still can’t hear you. What were you thinking? 3DemonicSprite is doing a great job keeping you safe, not to mention getting tons of grist to work with. Even if you do have a broken window now it’s not like you aren’t going to be facing way worse later.

You feel so very ashamed.

> Flair: Wallow in your shame.

Nah, you’re already over it. You get over things very quickly. He (you’ve decided it’s a he) probably didn’t even hear you. Does he even have ears?

Whatever. You’ll make it up to him later.

> Flair: Alchemize.

WAIT! You forgot something!

==>

You run upstairs and rummage around in your closet until you find a shirt with something you can call a symbol on it. The only one you can find that’s “plain” enough is light blue with an image of Pac Man on it.

THIS COULD WORK!

==>

 

 

You slip on the shirt before running downstairs, taking out your scissors as you run so you can captchalogue them along the way. This is pointless, since it's only a ten second walk. You take the time to collect even more grist from 3DemonicSprite as you enter the living room.

>Flair: Don't run with scissors!

Hmm, this IS rather dangerous. You really shouldn't be running with these. Too late now though, it already happened. You'll try to avoid doing that in the future though.

>Flair: Captchalogue scissors.

Alright, NOW it’s time to alchemize.

> Flair: Combine bubble soap and plastic toy shield.

  
||=

You make the IRON BUBBLES.

You can… create shield shaped bubbles with this?

How utterly useless.

> Flair: Combine bubble soap and plastic toy shield the other way.

You make the PLASTASTIC BUBBLESHIELD.

This thing looks strong enough to protect you from the sand, but has no apparent way to get in. You think you can still use this though…

> Flair: Combine plastastic bubbleshield with Pacman shirt and miniature light generator.

You make the PACPLASTIC BUBBLESHIRT.

This handy item projects the plastastic bubbleshield around you when you wear it, in addition to looking awesome. Of course, it’ll also make you look like you’re running around in a giant gerbil ball, but it’ll work.

Time to make a cool weapon. You wish you hadn’t thrown all your Lovecraftian fake Pokemon drawings into 3DemonicSprite now…

> Flair: Combine scissors with Goosebumps books.

You make the SCARIEST SCISSORS EVER.

These things don’t seem to function or look any different than regular scissors. You should’ve known. Those books were enjoyable, but they were NEVER scary.

> Flair: Combine Scariest Scissors Ever and Ultrasaurus Zoid.

You make the SCISSORSAURUS BLADES.

This enormous pair of scissors looks strangely high tech. The inner edges are razor sharp, and what appears to be miniature laser cannons are attached to the top and bottom of the blades.

Nice, but you can do better. One more time...

> Flair: Combine Scissorsaurus Blades and toy lightsaber.

You make the ULTRASABER LIGHTSHEARS.

In addition to having all the features of the Scissorsaurus Blades, these are surprisingly light and have glowing energy surrounding the blades that's sure to cut through even rock. Like they weren't sharp enough before.

FUCK YEAH!

> Flair: Combine Ultrasaber Lightshears with MP3 player.

You can’t! You’re out of capchalogue cards!

> Flair: Pester server to buy more cards!

Show Pesterlog

transcendentAlternate [TA] began pestering hyperNexus [HN]  
  
TA: HN!  
TA: I need more cards!  
TA: All mine have punched holes in them so I can’t reuse them!  
TA: I didn’t even get to alchemize a hands-free computer yet!  
TA: HN?

 

 

 

==>

No answer. He must be busy with something else. Oh well, you’ll just have to work with what you’ve got.

> Flair: Check on Sbarg Tumblr.

There's a new post. Ooh, so you HAVE been talking to the Horrorterrors. You thought as much, but it’s good to have confirmation. And with 3DemonicSprite, maybe you can get past all this “communicate only in cryptic messages via Tumblr for some reason” nonsense.

Wait, what’s this? Get to your quest beds... that probably means that you’re gonna need God Tier before doing anything else. To be expected, if the “He” is who they seem to be implying it is.

Hmm. You’re not going to have time to get your client player in later, better do that now if you want to go God Tier. He needs to do that too, actually, so you hope everyone in your chain is in! You were hurrying, but your team had eight players, and he was last…

Pesterchum is beeping! Maybe that’s him!

==>

Show Pesterlog

gallantGravitas [GG] began pestering transcendentAlternate [TA]  
  
GG: I’m ready!  
TA: Perfect! I’m ready to get you in.  
TA: Then we gotta go find our quest beds, apparently.  
GG: Why?  
TA: I dunno, the horror terrors say so.  
TA: Gotta go set up your stuff, seeya soon!

 

 

 

> Flair: Get your client player in!

You deploy everything as fast as possible so you can leave as quickly as you can. You feel rather rushed, you just got here and already you have to go God Tier? Then again, given that “He” is apparently out there and wants to kill all of you, it’s probably for the best that you go god tier ASAP.

What’s that noise?

> Flair: Notice basement door.

Oh yeah, your mom and little brother have been down there ever since the first sign of the meteors. They must be wondering what happened to you. Your mom is probably flipping out right about now. You don’t have time to explain things to them right now though…

> Flair: Leave laptop with Sburb explanation up at top of stairs.

That should keep them busy for a while. You knock on the basement door before running out the front door and quickly exchanging your current shirt for the Pacplastic Bubbleshirt. You sure hope this works!

==>

It does! A giant plastic bubble is projected all around your body, completely protecting you from the sand. You’ve got limited air in here though, and the sand is still obscuring your vision, so it’s not perfect.

3DemonicSprite floats down next to you and dumps a ton of grist on top of you.

> Flair: Thank him.

You do so. He smiles- you think- in approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, Flair's hair is dark brown, but appears black due to sprite form. So it may show up a black occasionally.
> 
> New section: Trivia! (see if you noticed these things):
> 
> -The Ultrasaber Lightshears can cut through rock. Scissors now beats rock.
> 
> Err... that's it for now. ^^; There will be more in subsequent chapters, promise! (I wouldn't have added this section, but since I know people aren't going to point out callbacks or references they missed like they do with Homestuck, I'll just post them down here. )


	3. Exploration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drawing of the Rainbow Oasis (Rainbowasis) belongs to http://midnightparadox.tumblr.com/.

> Flair: Explore.

Okay, even with this awesome plastic bubble it’s REALLY hard to get anywhere in this sandstorm. It’s like running around in a blizzard, everywhere looks EXACTLY THE SAME.

This is incredibly annoying!

> 3DemonicSprite: Offer assistance.

W1TU0P 10FL1B L1YS110D ZEM’W1 K1PDU-

> OH GOD!!!

Yeah… actually, let’s NOT be him, okay?

==>

Great lengths of obsidian wrap around your bubble and lift you into the sky, and eventually above the raging sandstorm. You owe your sprite another one now.

From up here you should be able to see a lot of the landscape!

==>

Or at least you WOULD be able to see it if it weren’t all just MORE FUCKING SAND. The storm is HUGE, taking up most of your vision. From how your sprite and bubble are being pushed backwards and the fact that it sounds like you stuck your head outside an airplane, you’re guessing that it’s being powered by a massive windstorm of some sort.

You can see a few areas, flecked with a dazzling array of colors, that the storm seems to curiously be going around, almost as if it were avoiding them. What appears to be giant glass poles of varying heights are sticking up from the centers of each of them.

> Flair: Head to one of the colorful spots.

Nope, you have to go find your quest bed! You’ll go exploring what little there is to explore here afterwards. Besides, you don’t quite trust the colored specks of land. The wind and storm slipstreaming around them is rather suspicious, and the colors reminds you of more of how really colorful snakes are always the dangerous ones than any sort of safety...

You ask your sprite to keep on the lookout for anything tall enough to house said object and to continue traversing the planet from up here.

==>

About 30 minutes later, you are just about convinced that there IS no quest bed on this planet. This is miserable. You’ve had to occasionally turn off your bubble generator for a few seconds to get new air, and each time you’ve almost fallen out of the sky since your sprite was grabbing the bubble, not you. You’re also completely covered in sand, once again. And of course, it’s a desert out here, so even with the wind it’s blisteringly hot.

THIS. SUCKS. ASS.

> Flair: Continue to search.

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah, not gonna happen. Neither you nor 3DemonicSprite have seen anything existing above the extensive sirocco below, and you obviously can’t see anything inside it.

Funnily enough, it’s actually pretty short in comparison to most sandstorms, but ONLY being 30 feet isn‘t all that helpful. It still obscures absolutely everything. You can’t even see the no doubt numerous enemies below you. You are heavily reminded of that movie with the mummy. What was he called, Emo Step or something you think?

Screw this, you’re going home.

> Flair: Go home.

Sand...

==>

Sand...

==>

SAND...

==>

MORE FUCKING SAND...

> Flair: Tear at hair in frustration.

GOD DAMNIT YOU CAN’T FIND HOME. NOW WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!

> Flair: Check out the little rainbow colored areas now, perhaps?

Yeah, not much other choice right now. Should’ve alchemized some X-Ray Goggles or something, because as it is you’re seriously screwed over.

3DemonicSprite approaches one of the areas, and you gasp in shock as realize what they are.

A breathtaking, impossibly colored oasis lays sprawled before your eyes. The trees cover every possible color on the spectrum, a euphony of chroma the likes of which you doubt you will ever see anywhere else. They surround a crystalline blue lake, its perfect surface not at all disturbed by the water pouring into its center. What you at first thought were thick glass poles are actually streams of water, seemingly pouring from the sky from no source at all.

Well, at least there’s SOME refuge in this rotten land. Assuming it isn’t a trap, that is.

==>

Suddenly, the heartbreakingly beautiful image fades, and a more average looking oasis replaces it. What just happened?

> Flair: Descend.

You land, turning off your shirt’s shield generator as you do so. You suppose even a normal oasis is pretty nice, especially compared to the rest of this harsh planet. And it’s still shielded from the wind somehow, so that’s a major plus. The only thing spoiling it is the fact that there are armadillos.

Armadillos. Everywhere.

…whyyyy?

> Flair: Meet consorts.

You are suddenly surrounded on all sides by a sea of armored furballs. You have a sneaking suspicion that this isn’t a trap, so much as where all your consorts have gathered. This would be great, if they weren’t all practically on top of you. In fact, two of them are currently affixed to your pant leg. You’re not claustrophobic or anything, but this is rather uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:
> 
> -3DemonicSprite is speaking a garbled mix of horrorterror and binary.  
> -"Obsidian lengths" is a reference to... well, you should know this by now.  
> -The "S" in 3DemonicSprite's name is capitalized so that the name abbreviates to 3DS.


	4. Aggravation

> Consorts: Explain plight to hero.

TIK TIK SQEEE TIK SQEEEEE

> Flair: …WHAT?

You can’t understand a word these little guys are saying. Even putting aside that there are too many of them yelling at you to understand at once, they’re still ARMADILLOS. And unfortunately, you never really took the time to learn the unique, enigmatic language of the armadillo. The subtleties of the "squeals" and "tiks" of this esoteric dialect shall be forever unknown to you.

==>

This is getting incredibly irritating. The decibels those squeals are at is becoming intolerable. You're starting to think you'd have even preferred ending up in some sort of land inhabited only by squealing pigs. You can’t take much more of this!

> Flair: Scream.

Obviously busting out an ear splitting wail is the perfect solution to this problem!

==>

Your piercing, incredibly loud scream finally gets your consorts to stop yammering and back off. Congratulations!

It’s also now assured that your throat will be hurting in the morning. Nice going, banshee girl.

==>

The little animals (which are standing on their hind legs, you notice) regroup a few feet away from you, and a few of them scurry back into a hole in the ground. Your sprite is nudging you.

> Flair: Confer with sprite.

Show Spritelog

FLAIR: Er… yes?  
3DEMONICSPRITE: G0RTHYTCH TAKE NYURB GU'1LGTH1S  
FLAIR: Oh cool, you CAN talk!  
FLAIR: ...Sort of!  
FLAIR: Wait, the what?

==>

Oh, the pendant! Guess he wants to rest, so if you come across any other enemies you’ll have to fight them yourself.

==>

In he goes!

==>

So now you’ve got the proverbial sealed evil in a can. If the can were a pendant. And 3DemonicSprite was actually evil. Which he isn’t, you don’t think. He’s been pretty nice so far, so why bother worrying about it? 

> Flair: Check on consorts.

Okay, now they’re carrying a few laptop-sized stone slabs towards you. You’re hoping this is because they have words they want you to read on them, and not because they want to beat you to death for busting their eardrums.

==>

Oh good, seems it’s the former. Phew!

> Flair: Examine slabs.

You are almost certain these giant rocks will reveal details of absolutely crucial importance. This is so exciting! Lets see what you’ve got here…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than usual, sorry. Figuring out what to do with these consorts was hard. IS hard.
> 
> Also, 3DemonicSprite's sprite color is black, hence his text is as well.
> 
> Trivia:
> 
> -3DemonicSprite uses some of Rose's words from when she has gone Grimdark.


	5. Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of these characters are real people, all from the Homestuck Kickstarter comments.

==>

PSYCHE

==>

Elsewhere…

Pesterlog

CURRENT hyperNexus [CHN] opened memo on board THIS BETTER HAVE WORKED OR WE‘RE ALL DEAD.  
CHN: yoooo  
CHN: we all here?  
CHN: like in the Medium I mean  
CURRENT ladyMurnen [CLM] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CLM: heyo  
CURRENT gallantGravitas [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: im here 2  
CURRENT alternateHematologist [CAH] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAH: iM here  
CGG: wheres the other four  
CURRENT pumpkinAppearifier [CPA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CPA: aofibjoaidjfbvoaidjfvoiajdfv  
CPA: hi  
CPA: Busy killing imps  
CPA: with arm rollerblades  
CPA: but I’m here  
CURRENT existentialCrisis [CEC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEC: I app[]ar.  
CAH: *appearify  
CAH: flair isn’t here yet so i fixed it for you instead  
CURRENT particularFlan [CPF] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CPF: sorry, forgot to bring up pesterchum earlier..  
CGG: great  
CGG: so everyone but flair is here  
CAH: where is she?  
CHN: no idea  
CHN: she messaged me a while ago to buy more captchalogue cards for her  
CHN: but she wont respond now for some reason  
CAH: that’s not good  
CPF: hope she’s okay..  
CHN: guess I’ll go find her since I’m closest  
CHN: I’ll make sure she’s not dead  
CHN: gotta start goin through my gates anyways  
CLM: good idea  
CHN: also gonna close the memo before we devolve into complete silliness  
CAH: aww  
CGG: so not fair  
CHN: good luck everyone  
CGG: WAIT!  
CHN: what?  
CGG: were all headed to our quest beds right  
CGG: the horrorterrors updated their tumblr  
CHN: I knew  
CAH: didn't know, but i'll get on that  
CPF: we have to go god tier already? :o  
CEC: got it.  
CLM: we should do that before anything else, right?  
CPA: Finished with the imps for now  
CPA: and yeah  
CPA: heading there after I alchemize some stuff.  
CPA: Also  
CPA: am I the only one  
CPA: who thinks it’s really weird for them to be talking to us via Tumblr?  
CHN: don’t want to risk us going grimdark by talking to us in person I guess  
CAH: i guess that Makes sense?  
CEC: l[]t’s just assum[] that for now, at l[]ast until w[] und[]rstand mor[]e.  
CLM: regardless, we should really get going  
CLM: I think there are imps at my door  
CHN: right  
CHN: good luck everyone!  
  
CHN closed memo. 

> Be HN.

You are now this person. What shall his name be?

> Enter name.

Wait a second, you can’t be this guy! The author doesn’t know his real name!

> …SERIOUSLY?

Yes “SERIOUSLY”. Back to Flair now!

> No! Keep being this guy!

What? Why?! This guy isn’t interesting! He's just been introduced! He has no character! No personality! And nothing to do except go through gates! 

> Just give him a temporary name or something then!

FINE! GOD!

Your name is now FARTFACE PISSMAN.

HAPPY YET?!

> Fartface: Be offended by blatant disrespect and claim REAL name. 

NOPE. NOT HAPPENING. WE’RE BEING FLAIR NOW. THIS IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSSION.

==>

You are now FLAIR. AGAIN. HAH!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formatting. Pesterlogs.
> 
> Just... NO.
> 
> The reason everyone is responding "right now" despite the lack of Trollian is due to the real version of Pesterchum having that feature automatically for memos.
> 
> Also, here's everyone's "quirks" as used in the actual pesterlogs I've had with them. Most of our team just talks like John, but there are subtle variations. No one will care about this, but I wrote it up so I might as well stick it here:
> 
> TA (Flair): Perfect grammar and punctuation.
> 
> PA: Talks in bits, capitalizes sentences and continues them in breaks, ends with no punctuation
> 
> HN: No capitalization except for emphasis, I, or abbreviations. Uses commas and apostrophes occasionally. No punctuation.
> 
> EC: Replaces E’s with boxes. No capitalization for first word in sentence. Uses correct grammar otherwise, except when releasing info in a hurry, where end punctuation is lost. 
> 
> LM: Sporadic capitalization and end punctuation. I’s are always capitalized and commas/apostrophes are always used.
> 
> AH: No capitalization, replaces M’s with the scorpio sign (represented as capitalized M‘s here), uses question marks, commas, and apostrophes. 
> 
> PF: Uses smilies at end of sentence sometimes. Uses .. Instead of … No capitalization for first word in sentence. Uses question marks and exclamation points but no periods (except in above case).
> 
> GG: No capitalization, no periods but uses other punctuation.
> 
> Trivia:
> 
> -The name HN is christened with is a reference to "ZOOSMELL POOPLORD" by being similar in structure. HN also uses John's text color.


	6. Peregrination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't care if Sbarg ended, I'M NOT THROUGH HERE!

> Flair: Read mythology in most EPIC voice possible.

You already finished reading all that mythology! Why would you do it again, let alone out loud? It was interesting and all but you’re kind of on a tight schedule. At least, you think you are. You’re not exactly sure how imminent getting to your quest bed is, but you‘d rather err on the side of caution. 

The good news is, those rocks explained a lot! Pretty convenient that this was all written down by your consorts, since your sprite has too much trouble speaking English to explain anything to you. One of the few downsides of prototyping with fake horrorterrors you suppose.

> Flair: Explain.

To… who?…

On another note, you are sweating up a storm. Why’d you have to get the desert planet? So unfair…

> Flair: Be Equius.

YOU ARE NOT EQUIUS AND YOU NEVER WILL BE! THESE RESEMBLANCES ARE ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL!

Entirely. Coincidental. 

GOT IT?!

> Flair: Return the slabs.

Yeah, better give these back before deadly plagues start befalling you or something. For all you know these slabs of rock are cursed. Even if magic is fake (which you frankly aren't even too sure about), Sburb can apparently do a pretty damn good imitation of it, if Rose and Eridan were anything to go by. Best not to piss it off by accident.

You hand the stones back to your consorts, who gesture to you to follow them. 

==>

You head in to the hole leading underground, right behind your consorts.

==>

This a bit of a tight fit.

==>

The tunnel widens as you get further underground. Phew! It’s dark down here, but you can see a speck of light in the distance. 

Your consorts are heading that way too, so presumably your destination is that way. You fall in step behind them.

You are the duckling. It’s you.

> Flair: Walk with them.

This could be a long walk… you begin to ruminate on what you’ve just read.

Apparently, ever since the massive sandstorm started up, your consorts have moved underground. The huge gusts of wind causing it are presumably due to your denizen. The oases remain safe, protected by “magic”, apparently. You’re skeptical about that, but as long as there are areas where you won’t get an instant sand facial you’ll roll with it. The “mirage” you saw earlier was apparently what the oases USED to look like, before your denizen did some minor remodeling via magic bullshit. The REAL oases still exist, but have been “removed” from this plane of existence. 

All you could understand about the denizen’s motivations for doing all this was “hating colors” or something. Most of the legend describing it was written in a ridiculously hard to understand poem, with stupidly obscure words like “Nimiety”, “Chiaroscuro”, and, your personal favorite, “Bethesda Threnody”. What the hell are those supposed to mean?! How do your consorts even KNOW those words? Are these just particularly enlightened armadillos? 

This would be so much easier if you could just have brought your laptop with you so you could look up the word definitions, but NOOOOOO, you forgot to alchemize up a new one and had to leave your old one behind. Why are you so stupid sometimes?! GAAAAA- oh hey you’re almost there.

> Flair: Emerge from tunnel.

This is… interesting? You are strongly reminded of a miniature version of one of those towns with clay houses. The light is coming from some sort of iridescent crystal on the ceiling, whose colors are highly reminiscent of the oasis you only momentarily saw.

Wait, now you’re being led down a DIFFERENT tunnel? Great… what exactly is the point of this anyways? WHY are you following your consorts down here in the dark like a moron? What are you being led too?

You are pretty sure that you are the most confused person ever right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:
> 
> -Peregrination is just a fancy way of saying "walking".


	7. Culmination

> Flair: While you’re busy walking, be someone else.

You are now HN, and you are pretty sure that you are the most frustrated person ever right now.

> HN: Name yourself.

Your name is DEAN, and frankly you don’t think your name is the most important thing to be worrying about right now.

You arrived on Flair’s planet and got smashed in the everywhere by sand. You really wish she’d TOLD you that would happen before you got here. Good thing you alchemized a jetpack before leaving, or you’d still be eating desert. You send a quick message to everyone warning them about this planet before pondering your situation.

This is bad. You still can’t find Flair, or even her house, and you’re supposed to be heading for your quest bed ASAP. Your best guess is that shit is about to go down, and the horrorterrors don’t think you’ll survive without God Tier, meaning that this is probably going to be some grade A, mammoth sized shit. But you can’t just leave your team leader, especially when she could be dead for all you know!    

What are you going to do?!

> Dean: Screech like an eagle and take a dump in the sky.

No! That’s incredibly stupid, especially on a planet where the storm could flare up at any minute!

Honestly, if you wanted to try out this special brand of idiocy you should have done it earlier.

> Dean: Have a teammate who has already god tiered to alchemize something to help find Flair, then bring it to you.

Good idea!

You use your ibelt to open up Pesterchum.

Show Pesterlog

CURRENT hyperNexus [CHN] opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS GOD TIER PARTY.  
HN: these titles aren’t even funny anymore  
HN: anyways  
HN: whos gone god tier so far  
PA: Me  
HN: great  
HN: need a favor from you  


> Flair: Stop being Dean.

You can't stop being Dean, but you CAN be Flair being Dean being Flair. Obviously. Therefore you are now Flair.

Wait, Dean? Who is this “Dean” you speak of?

Whatever. Probably no one important.

> Flair: Are you still walking?

Yep. Still walking. It’s boring. So what else is new?

Ugh, it’s like a military march, except that the tunnel is too small to walk anymore so you’re stuck half-crouching/half-crawling. Does this tunnel ever end?!

> Tunnel: End.

Hey, that’s not nice! You can’t control how long you are, and you’ve always been self-conscious about that. It’s not like you WANT to be so long!

> Flair: The tunnel won’t cooperate. Crawl faster.

Oh goody, commands with commentary. No please, go on! This won’t get annoying in record time at all. Let the commands speak up for themselves! They have just as much right as anyone else, despite not being a physically existing thing, right?! Yeah! FIGHT THE MAN! BE ANNOYING!

> FINE, I GET IT! GOD!

Good. Let’s continue being Flair, now, shall… shall you? Shall we? You or we?

Bluh, terminology is confusing.

> Flair: Hurry it up!

Look pal, there’s only so fast you can go when you are literally on your hands and knees. But you think you can FINALLY see the light at the end of what you have just dubbed the Tunnel of Longass Crampedness.  

> Flair: Enter.

…the next cavern.

Good, this one actually looks important. And even better, it’s HUGE in comparison to the ones you’ve been in, meaning you can stretch out the crick you developed in your leg heading down that tunnel.

Wow, you must have gone farther underground without realizing it, because there is no way this room would have a ceiling if you were at the same height as when you dropped into the first tunnel.

> Flair: Describe room, since no picture was provided.

You just hate the concept of “imagination“, don’t you?

The room is lit up by many crystals quite similar to the one you saw in the last cavern. It’s actually almost TOO bright down here. All the armadillos are gathered around some giant rock at the end of the “room”, turning towards you and back to the rock so quickly that your first thought upon seeing it is that they're doing some sort of weird spastic neck-dance.

You... HOPE that's not what they're doing?

> Flair: Examine giant rock.

Your consorts part like a particularly hairy brown sea as you approach.

The rock’s flat top is covered with a fine, white material that looks like paper, but you’re pretty sure isn’t actually paper. Embedded within both the rock and not-paper is what appears to be a giant pair of scissors.

Well, you aren‘t quite sure WHAT you should be doing here! Could it be, perhaps…  

==>

Now this is a longshot, but…

==>

You think…

==>

You’re supposed…

==>

To maybe, just MAYBE…

==>

Pull the scissors OUT of the rock?! Just MAYBE! You have to admit, it’s possible!

> Flair: Ascend.

You climb on the rock and brace yourself on the surprisingly smooth surface.

And a one, and a two, and…

> Flair: PULL!

You pull way too hard and the scissors go flying upwards towards the ceiling. Turns out they weren’t stuck in the rock at all, so much as “sheathed” in it. Whoops!

> Flair: Think fast!

You reach up with one hand and grab the falling pair of scissors by the handle.

SO. FREAKING. BADASS.

==>

  


You obtain the NIMIETY OF NILHITY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope! Told you I wasn't done! In fact, when this is over, I've got a whole bunch written for iamofcourse, the Sbarg continuation. You'll never get rid of me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!


	8. Penetration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had pictures for the last part of this chapter so I didn't have to describe it because frankly the joke just doesn't work as well.

==>

Okay, so you have these now. You'll assume this is your legendary weapon, considering the way you got it out was highly reminiscent of the Sword in the Stone. Except that whereas Arthur was surprised that it came out for him, you were surprised because you almost got impaled. Almost feels like cheating to go from basic scissors straight to these, but you quickly decide that you don’t really care.

Unfortunately, you didn’t buy a strife specibus card from the menu earlier, and therefore you have no easy way to carry this around besides… carrying it around. Greeeaaat. 

> Flair: What now?

You… aren’t sure, honestly. Your consorts are just sort of staring at you expectantly. What, do they think you actually have some sort of clue what you’re supposed to do now?

And… how are you supposed to get out of here? This cavern doesn’t have any exits besides where you came in at, and you’d REALLY rather avoid going through the Tunnel of Apparent Self-Consciousness again.

> Flair: Consort with consorts.

According to the Sburb you know, at least SOME consorts should be able to talk. So far all these guys have done is TIK and SQUEE at you, but that can’t possibly be ALL they can do, considering you get quests from them, right? Surely at least some of them can speak, and you’re definitely not above asking for help, whether they’re expecting something from you or not. Maybe they can even show you to your Quest Bed? They did just lead you to your legendary weapon after all.

> PA: SMASH!!!

You use your ROCKET ROLLERBLADES to burst through the top of the underground cavern like an absolute BOSS. You SOAR up your nonexistent echeladder, scaling its equally nonexistent rungs so quickly it’s like you’ve got a PHANTOM ROCKET strapped to your ass, propelling you all the way to the ghostly rank of STUPID ASS METAPHOR.

==>

Not realizing the cavern was at least 100 feet tall, you begin to panic as you fall.

Good going genius!

> Flair: Duck and cover!

You scramble to the edges of the cavern along with your consorts to avoid the falling debris and flailing person. Unbelievable. YOU’VE GOT ROCKETS MORON!

> PA: USE THEM.

You activate your ROCKET ROLLERBLADES right before impact, so instead of hitting the ground you propel yourself into a wall.

Well, that ALMOST worked.

> Flair: X2 DOUBLE FACEPALM COMBO!

Seriously?! Not right now! This guy is probably one of your teammates, and he could be seriously hurt! You’re not gonna face palm when he may have just broken quite a few bones!

> Flair: OH SNAP! X2 SERIOUS BUSINESS COMBO!

What is UP with the- Just SHUT UP, ALRIGHT?!

==>

Dialoglog

FLAIR: Are you alright?! Anything broken?! Can you talk?! Can you even HEAR me?!  
THOMAS: Ajdbdftybv…  
THOMAS: Owwww…  
THOMAS: Yeah, I’m good  
THOMAS: just bruised  
FLAIR: Oh thank God. Need any help there?  
THOMAS: I got it  


> Thomas: Pry yourself off the wall.

THOMAS: Think I’m good  
THOMAS: just hurt my arms and chest a bit  
FLAIR: Er, I take it you’re one of my teammates?  
THOMAS: If you’re TA then Yeah  
THOMAS: I’m pumpkinAppearifier  
THOMAS: and I’ve been looking for you  
FLAIR: Oh? How come?  
THOMAS: Well first of all to make sure you’re still Alive  
THOMAS: which you are  
THOMAS: and also to tell you to get to your Quest Bed if you didn’t Already know  
FLAIR: I did, no worries. That’s how I ended up down here in the first place.  
FLAIR: My consorts led me to my legendary weapon… which I can’t captchalogue because I’m totally out of cards and can’t equip to my specibus because I didn’t buy one.  
FLAIR: Was kind of hoping they could lead me to my Quest Bed too, since I can’t SEE anything over the massive sandstorm up there.  
FLAIR: Wait. How did you even know where to find me?  
THOMAS: This

> Thomas: Display PORTABLE PERSON RADAR.

THOMAS: It’s a radar to find People only  
THOMAS: HN was here earlier trying to find you  
THOMAS: but he was worried about needing to go god tier  
THOMAS: not to mention he couldn’t Find you  
THOMAS: So he asked me to do it instead  
THOMAS: since I Got The Tiger already  
FLAIR: Oh, okay, cool. I take it this thing can’t be reprogrammed to find quest beds? Because that’s what I really need right now.  
THOMAS: Nope  
THOMAS: sorry  
THOMAS: I found mine by just using my rocketblades  
THOMAS: Easy to find when you go high enough  
FLAIR: Not so here though. The storm obscures EVERYTHING.  
FLAIR: What to do…

> Consorts: Suggest something.

You all point and SQUEE in unison at the back wall behind where the Sylph just pulled out her birthright. Hopefully she’ll understand!

> Flair: Do you?

OH MY GOD SHUT UP THE SQUEALS ARE LIKE TORTURE PLEASE JUST STOP GRAHHHHH

> Flair: Plug your ears.

You and Thomas clap your hands over your ears, which helps block out the noise by a margin large enough that you can think straight again. What are they trying to tell you? Yeah, that’s a wall. What do they think YOU’RE supposed to do with it?!

Dialoglog

FLAIR: WHAT DO THEY WANT US TO DO?!  
THOMAS: BREAK THROUGH THE WALL I THINK!  
FLAIR: THAT DOESN’T MAKE MUCH SENSE BUT IF IT’LL GET THEM TO STOP OR GET US AWAY FROM THE NOISE THEN OKAY!

> Flair and Thomas: Do something awesome.

You back up as far away as you can from the wall the armadillos are all pointing at.

Dialoglog

THOMAS: THE HARD PART ABOUT THIS

==>

Flair reactivates the PACPLASTIC BUBBLESHIELD SHIRT’S shield generator.

Dialoglog

THOMAS: IS GOING TO BE

==>

Thomas readies his ROCKET ROLLERBLADES.

Dialoglog

THOMAS: GETTING YOU OVER THAT GIANT ROCK  
THOMAS: READY

==>

Thomas launches the spherically shielded Flair like a soccer ball with all his rocket enhanced kicking might!

Dialoglog

THOMAS: HE SHOOTS

==>

The shield just grazes the enormous rock before crashing into and through the opposite wall!

Dialoglog

THOMAS: HE SCORES

==>

Flair stands up, a little dizzy but unharmed. Her Quest Bed is in plain sight only feet away from her.

Dialoglog

FLAIR: HELL  
THOMAS: FUCKING  
FLAIR: YES.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, I'll explain that Quest Bed next chapter. :D
> 
> (Also, penetration is referring to the breaking through of the ceiling and wall, if that wasn't clear.)


End file.
